


Being Yourself is Hard

by BlackMageEljin



Series: Never Lose Hope [3]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: But Vanitas' version of fluff is still rated M, Canon Setting, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Repliku centric, Riku aggressivly adopts Repliku, are you ready for some lost tio content, post kh3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 14:37:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18122297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackMageEljin/pseuds/BlackMageEljin
Summary: “It’s fucked up, I don't really think you can call it 'friendship'- but whatever we have, it's mine, not a hand me down from Ventus.”“Oh…”In which a certain replica becomes smitten with the boy made of darkness, Namine is in complete denial that this bothers her in any way, and Riku tries very hard to stop his replica from picking up his self destructive habits. But in the end it all works out.





	1. Something that's Ours and No One Else's

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is set after the events of the first fic in this series Happy Endings No One Asked For, but this fic can stand alone by itself just fine. 
> 
> Happy Endings is a compilation of how/why certain characters are alive and well and how they fit back in with the cast at large after the war. If you are dying to know how Vanitas or Repliku came back in detail then by all means! Chapter 1 and Chapter 4 are Vanitas and Repliku's chapters respectively. If you're cool just accepting they are back and don't wanna worry about it then by all means, read away. And no need to fret about making that decision now- they can be read out of order without anything being lost.
> 
> This fic may make references to other works that will get added to this series, but I'm trying my best to keep things isolated enough you don't HAVE to read anything else. (We'll see later if I succeed I guess >>)
> 
> Also... for this I am trying to have both the replica and the original go by the name Riku. (In part because we already have Ansem and Ansem so why the fuck not, and because I guess that is just how it is in canon.) As perspective changes how the two are referred to and which 'Riku' is the 'Riku' being referenced changes... I think I did okay, my beta reader said they could follow, but let me know if it gets too confusing ><

“...Do you remember?”

Vanitas was in Radiant Garden simply because Ven was. The replica hadn't known what Vanitas was doing in the castle by himself, but apparently it was to talk to him. He stopped walking and turned to face the other boy.

“...Honestly? I know I'm not supposed to, but my memories were already so messed up I don't think it mattered.”

Vanitas was asking if he remembered his brief time in the Organization, or so he assumed. Like the youngest Xehanort had always said he was supposed to lose the memories of the future when he returned to his time. And after the version of him from the present had ripped the version of him from the past out of the replica vessel the past him had done just that. He was pretty sure he had forgotten for a while- but he'd definitely remembered by the time of the final battle. His heart was pretty much held together with glue, duct tape, and Naminé's good will, so he didn't question it too much. 

Vanitas smirked. “Convenient.”

And the look Vanitas gave him removed any doubts as to  _ why _ he was asking.

Which would be the hate-fucking.

Not conventional hate-fucking wherein two people vent their frustrations with each other through intercourse, oh no. This had been  _ self _ hate-fucking. Wherein the two of them had been happy to self-destructively throw themselves at the object of their doppelgangers desires- or well, in the replicas case it wasn't like he didn't have some artificial and some not so artificial feeling for Sora of his own, but either way it was grossly unhealthy.  _ Really _ hot, extremely satisfying, but grossly unhealthy.

Vanitas moved forward, resting a hand on the replica's face to hold it steady as he leaned in.

“Wait.”

“...You don't want to?”

And the replica felt  _ awful _ , because Vanitas actually sounded hurt. Not in an over the top obvious way, but people who know him like Ven or people who were too observant like Isa would have noticed.

“It's not that…” he answered lamely. Honestly, but the wishy washy answer didn't seem very fair.

Vanitas pulled his hand away but he didn't step back. He glared at a random corner of the floor and the replica didn't really know what to make of it. Vanitas was struggling to find words, he still wasn't used to… talking about things.

“Ventus… is still annoyingly nice. He's been sharing everything- or trying to- even his dumb friends…” he explained seemingly out of the blue. The look on Riku's face told him the replica hadn't connected the dots and he gave a small, frustrated sigh.

“It’s fucked up, I don't really think you can call it 'friendship'- but whatever we have, it's mine, not a hand me down from Ventus.”

“Oh…”

Riku was most definitely blushing now, his expression somewhere between dawning understanding and his heart melting at the surprisingly touching sentiment. It was strange, it had technically all started because of the people they came from- because they had used the other as a stand in, something even worse than a hand me down. But it kept happening because they both understood that unique hurt, so in the end Vanitas was right, it was something unique to them, for once…

He didn't know when he'd brought his hand to rest over his heart, but he had. Though it made him realize what would hopefully be only a minor flaw.

“Um… I don't really think I can act much like I did back then…” he admitted sheepishly. All the times he and Vanitas had messed around he'd been drowning himself in darkness and had generally been a snarky little bitch. He'd traded the attitude and the confidence for… not being a dick, really, but he wasn't so sure that's what Vanitas wanted to sign up for.

Vanitas had perked up a bit, both at the generally positive reaction and the fact the replica hadn't pushed or pried and just... understood. “I don't really expect you to.” He answered with a shrug, though a moment later it was replaced with a devious smirk and Vanitas’ had was back on Riku's cheek.

“Though it'd certainly be a plus if you could keep it up in the bedroom.”

The replica met Vanitas’ smirk with his own this time. “I think I can manage that.” He near purred, punctuating the statement by draping his arms over Vanitas’ shoulders.

And then Vanitas kissed him and  _ God _ he'd missed this. Vanitas tasted like darkness, _ smelled _ like it all over- he thought he would have been sick of it after being stuck in the Dark World for so long, but no, not Vanitas’ darkness at least. It was richer- and it was… something he had come to miss that was distinctly Vanitas and not Sora at all. At the thought he pushed the other boy back against the wall, earning a condescending cut off laugh before Vanitas’ mouth became  _ occupied _ again. The dark boy's hands slid down his back and cupped his ass and he moaned softly into their kiss. Yeah, he didn't care if it was fucked up or not, he missed this…

It was about then that Riku, the original, turned down the hall. He managed to cut himself off before he said anything that might have been rude, but not before he let out a rather loud and confused “ _ Um _ ,” because the last thing he expected was to walk in on himself making out with Vanitas.

The replica pulled off of Vanitas' as quickly as he could manage with the other boy seemingly unperturbed by the interruption. He blinked up at Riku red faced. “Hey… there, Real Thing.” He greeted awkwardly, the old nickname slipping out mostly as an irrational attempt to shield his embarrassment.

Vanitas was now just leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, glaring at the keyblade master.

“You… probably shouldn't be doing that here…” Riku awkwardly half scolded. It was easier to process than anything else about the situation…

“I know-”

“Agree to disagree,” Vanitas cut off before the replica could agree with his twin.

Riku sighed.

There was another awkward pause, Riku's eyes darting around away from the pair before he started to try to just walk past them. The replica frowned, knowing Riku well enough to realize the older boy had something he wanted to say but was refusing to do so.

“What, does it bother you?” He asked, sounding annoyed. They hadn't fought since Riku had first realized he was still around- if anything they had been almost strangely close. Or maybe not strangely, Vanitas and Ven were close now after all… but if Riku was going to get weird because he was making out with not-Sora they were going to have a problem.

Riku stopped, the way his eyes flew open at the accusation making it pretty obvious that wasn't the case. “What- no! You can do whatever you want, it's none of my business. I just…” his eyes flicked to Vanitas for a brief moment and this time the replica realize Riku was doing that not because what he'd thought before, but because whatever he wanted to say he didn't want to say in front of Vanitas. 

Riku sighed and ran a hand through his hair, giving up not saying what he wanted to before the replica could tell him they could talk about it later. “...after all you did for Naminé I'm surprised, that's all…” he admitted awkwardly.

The replicas expression fell at that. Right. Of course Riku would worry after he'd given up his first chance at life like that. In the end, the scientists just made another empty vessel, but… at the time none of them had know how possible that would have been. He gave a sad smile and shook his head. “Naminé is getting the second chance she deserves, she doesn't need someone like me holding her back.”

Riku's eyes went wide for a second time. For one he really didn't think the other him was going to- or should have- said something like that front of his… whatever Vanitas was. Secondly, and more alarmingly, was the fact the other boy had just indirectly admitted the reason he wasn't with Naminé irregardless of feelings was he thought 'she deserved better than him’.

At which point Riku's expression turned to something stern and he just grabbed the replica by the arm to drag him down the hall.

“Hey-”

“Sorry, already been down that road, not letting you do that to yourself.” Riku shot back.

But before anyone could say or do anything else the replica was bodily yanked back out of Riku's grip by one Vanitas, who was now possessively clinging to the boy from behind. “He's _ mine _ .” He growled, shooting Riku a dirty glare he usually reserved for Aqua. 

The replica didn't know what to do- he felt both weirdly floaty and flattered by Vanitas’ behaviour, but also terribly guilty for… letting the situation get to... this. With the way Vanitas talked about Ven he thought talking about Naminé would be much of the same… but maybe not. He looked up at Riku a little lost, and Riku was looking between the two of them with a more concerned and confused version of the same expression.

Eventually the replica reached a hand up to place over one of Vanitas’, somehow managing to lace their fingers together despite Vanitas’ death grip.  He looked up at Riku and said. “I'll talk to you later.”

Riku hesitated. He was worried for both Naminé and the other him, but… well clearly he knew fuck all about what was going on, and like he said before it  _ wasn't _ his business even if he wanted to help. Talking to his replica later was probably the best either could hope for at this point… 

“...alright.” and with that Riku made his way down the rest of the hall, disappearing out of sight.

As soon as he was out of sight the replica turned in Vanitas’ grip to face him. “Vanitas, I-”

He was cut off by the other boy kissing him, but he didn't fall for it. With a sigh he pushed Vanitas back enough to keep speaking “-know you don't like talking about things, but…” he continued dryly.

Vanitas frowned. “Can't blame me for trying.”

Riku gave a small smile and squeezed Vanitas’ hand. “What we have is messed up but I don't care, it's mine too. It's the only bond I have that's both completely mine and salvageable-” because Riku had ties with people that were  _ technically _ unique to him, but they were all things he had to tear down and start over- like Axel, who had abused his desperation to kill Zexion. Sure they had history, but it wasn't the same as a real connection. Maybe it was the same for Vanitas in regards to any of the Xehanorts, but he wasn't going to ask about that now. Almost all of the ties they had with other people were twisted, but what they had between the two of them was the closest thing to real companionship either of them had ever known, so, “-so of course it's important to me.”

The way Vanitas smiled at him as he said it made his heart somehow melt and do backflips at the same time. It was still something crooked, but his eyes- one of the only ones of them who still had those pretty gold eyes- held this tired hope and… and it made it so much harder for him to say what he had to say next.

“...but you still have Ven and I still have Naminé.”

Vanitas smile left, but it wasn't replaced by what Riku had expected. Vanitas raised an eyebrow at him. “Your point?”

Riku started. “You're just okay with it?”

Vanitas shrugged, looking confused at the replica's confusion. “Why wouldn't I be? It's like you just said- I still have Ventus.”

“Yeah but it's… complicated.”

“You're  _ making _ it complicated. Stop overthinking things.”

Riku's eyes fell. Vanitas mirrored Sora at the strangest of times… “...you think?”

“You were fine until loser you waltzed in. I think you caught his anxiety.” Vanitas deadpanned.

Riku chuckled despite himself. “Maybe.”

Finally he buried his face in the crook of Vanitas’ neck, wrapping his free arm around the other boy's waist. It was a gentle touch, but Vanitas seemed to be much better at physical affection than anything verbal. Like this he could just breath in his scent, it was soothing. 

“...you smell nice.”

“I smell like darkness.” Vanitas corrected.

“Nice darkness.” Riku countered.

Vanitas actually had to force down a blush at that. “...I usually don't have to deal with you being this sappy until after.”

Riku laughed at that. “Sorry, but I did warn you.” Finally he pulled away and tugged Vanitas by their still conjoined hands. “C’mon, let's go find someplace more quiet to have some fun. I'm all for exhibitionism, but I don't think either of us want to deal with any more interruptions.” He joked.

Vanitas snorted. “Lead the way.”


	2. Riku Tries Very Hard to be a Good Big Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Riku's desire to be a good big brother outweighs his social awkwardness.

The first thing Riku noticed as the other him joined him was the rather conspicuous patch of bruises littering the younger boy's neck. Good to know he'd used restraint…

The replica sat next to him on the small ledge, handing his doppelganger the stick of mint ice cream- a treat they both enjoyed when Lea, Roxas, or Xion weren't around to tell them their choice in ice cream was incorrect. Riku was already awkwardly avoiding eye contact.

“You got a little…” he tried, making vague gestures around his neck.

The replica blinked, placing his hand in the same spot and feeling the slight soreness. He smirked. “If that's enough to embarrass you, you're not gonna get through this conversation.” he teased, running his thumb over his neck and smiling wistfully at the memories. 

Riku sighed. “So, Vanitas?”

“Surprised?” The replica asked despite knowing the answer.

“Honestly? A little impressed…” Ven and the wayfinders were trying their best to be welcoming, but Vanitas kept pretty much everything at arm's length. He didn't blame him, but that only made the situation more surprising. “Would you mind telling me how you two wound up together, exactly?”

The other Riku snorted at the joke, but looked thoughtful at the question. “...basically we both lost at gay chicken. Or both won. Depends on how you look at it.”

“...What?” Riku asked incredulously. He understood conceptually he just… couldn't even begin to imagine a situation where that could happen.

The replica looked more sheepish this time. “...well, it started because I tried hitting on him thinking it would piss him off. He's not really fazed by much of anything, and honestly the way he just ignored me like I wasn't even worth his time pissed  _ me _ off. But instead of getting mad, he just started flirting back. And since I started it I couldn't back out without losing- mind you, I realize how ludicrous the logic is now, but at the time I was still just starting to deal with all my messed up memories… so one thing lead to another, and the next thing I knew I was waking up half naked in an alley on the world that never was.”

Riku blinked slowly as he processed the story. That was… something alright. Not what he expected. “Wait, so all of this started back when you were in the organization? You remember all that?”

The replica laughed. “Oh, you thought that had  _ just _ happened? No wonder you were so confused.” He teased, though honestly it was a kind of reassuring revelation. “...I didn't get put back together nice and neat like Sora. I think the fact my heart was so broken and then healed on its own let those memories from another time just slip out.” the explanation was a little more in-depth than what he'd given Vanitas, not because he thought Vanitas wouldn't understand, but because he knew Riku cared more about the details.

Riku hummed before finally agreeing, “Makes sense.” He hesitated before asking. “...how many times did that happen?” It seemed like the politest at to try and figure out more about the nature of their relationship.

“Not many. I showed up to the war pretty late, after all.” The replica answer with a shrug. “But all of them were  _ fantast _ -”

“I don't need to hear that.” the original cut in, hand over his face to hide his blush. The replica snickered. 

“...he seemed pretty possessive.” Riku tried, still really wanting to avoid making the other boy have to talk about any sort of label. But he wanted to know how deep this ran, because the replica obviously cared for Naminé so much…

“Yeah…” the replica said almost dreamily, resisting the urge to swing his legs. Riku looked surprised.

“...you look happy.”

The replica looked up at Riku for a brief moment as though he'd been caught doing something he shouldn't, but in the end just shrugged. “No one's ever really fought for me before. You probably came the closest.”

“Oh…” it was… sad, but Riku was beginning to understand. “Was it… like that before?” He asked tenuously. Vanitas certainly didn't seem like the type to get attached to what he understood was a series of one night stands, but then again everything he knew about him was pretty much second hand.

The replica shook his head. “Not really. I wouldn't even have called us ‘friends’ with benefits- just… what, fellow cultist with benefits?” He joked. Though a moment passed and his expression softened. “At first, earlier today I mean, I told him no, but… the reason he said he wanted to was because I was the only connection he had that was really just his. I know we sort of did things backwards, but… I think he actually cares about me.” And just saying it made his heart flutter. Really, who cared how it started, Vanitas really wanted him to be 'his’, that's what mattered.

Riku watched the other him, surprised the other boy had decided to just share that on his own. He looked so,  _ so _ happy, but… the way he had explained it… Riku felt awful, like he was knocking him down, but he'd feel worse if things didn't work out and he'd said nothing. “...you're talking a lot about his feelings, but… what about you?” Riku pointed out softly.

The replica blinked up in surprise. He thought it was obvious… “It's the same for me. Like I said, it might have started as something messed up, but I didn't exactly make a lot of friends in Castle Oblivion. It’s something that's actually ours. Maybe it's just not something you'd get, Real Thing.” He teased good naturedly, too high on his on floatiness to sense any of Riku's unease.

Riku's expression fell. All that answer did was confirm his suspicions- he wanted the other him to be happy, Vanitas too even, but it sounded like he was a lot more happy about the abstract idea of someone wanting him than Vanitas himself. And if things started like that it was going to be too easy for it to end in heartache. Maybe,  _ maybe _ it would grow into something healthier- their one night stands had apparently managed to evolve into something less toxic- but something like that was so fragile, and… “...what about Naminé?”

The replica's face finally dropped the sweet dopey smile. “...it's not what you think.”

“Sure.” Riku humored. Or maybe that was the being too harsh- the other him was right, he didn't know what his reasons were and his guesses were probably off, but… well, he was still worried they'd be something self destructive.

The replica frowned slightly at the placating response but did his best to ignore it. “...she hates everything she had to do in that castle. Even if she did have feelings for me, all I'd be is a constant reminder of all that. She would just spend the whole time worrying if my feelings for her were really mine or not. I want her to be happy, she doesn't deserve having to put up with that.”

Riku sighed softly. The two of them weren't the same, but they still had far too much in common- and apparently that included a pathological need to put the people he cared about before himself. He couldn’t really blame the other him for worrying about something like that- Naminé  _ would _ constantly second guess herself, but he also wasn't so sure that she would value that peace of mind over the ties she had with him. If nothing else she had a right to make that decision herself. But before he could even go into that- “And Vanitas is just okay with the fact you’re in love with someone else?”

Riku wasn't going to pretend like it wasn't something obvious anymore. He hoped the question would shock the younger boy into realizing what he was doing- he most certainly did not expect the answer he got.

“Yeah, he is.”

“... _ what _ ?” Riku balked, nearly dropping his half eaten ice cream. The replica shrugged.

“I have Naminé, he has Ventus.”

Riku frowned. “That's different. Ven and Vanitas are… they're like  _ us, _ that's not the same as you and Naminé.”

The replica huffed. “They're not the same as  _ either. _ Vanitas said it didn't need to be complicated, I'm not that stupid and I'm not keeping secrets.” He shot back defensively.

“Have you considered he said that because he was trying to get into your pants?”

“Have you considered I  _ wanted _ him in my pants?”

“That  _ was _ the impression I got when I walked in on you in the  _ hallway _ . Even though I watched you  _ kill yourself _ to save someone else. So sorry if I'm worried about you being  _ self destructive. _ ”

“ _ Don't put your baggage on me. _ ”

Riku flinched at that, his gaze falling to the floor beneath them. The replica's own expression evened out at Riku's reaction- he'd brought the verbal equivalent of a gun to a knife fight with that and he regretted it. Riku was being obnoxiously over protective, but he was still trying to help…

“...sorry…”

Riku shook his head. “No, you were right. Though… I think I might be more worried about you acting like Sora than me.”

The replica tilted his head in confusion. “Like Sora?” in the end Sora had made foolish self sacrifices too, but he didn't see how that was any different than Riku's behaviour.

Riku was quiet for a moment, a small bitter sweet smile forming. “I don't mean what he did to save Kairi, though I guess you already did that for Naminé…” he paused again, this time the smile slowly falling away. “...he always… just ping ponged between the two of us. It was like he'd only see the one standing in front of him…”

The replicas own expression fell as he understood. He'd inherited at least some of the heartache Riku had experienced at Sora's expense after all- he'd even delivered the words of a would-be lover scorned on his behalf. From what little snippets he'd gathered of what had happened since, Sora had only continued to lead Riku on. He finally managed a bitter smirk. “...never thought I'd see you bad mouth Sora.”

“I'm not.” Riku insisted softly. “...it was my own fault, it's not like I ever said anything.” He loved Sora more than anything, to the point he'd been content to keep those feelings to himself for Sora's sake. But now that he was gone… he didn't want to see anyone else do something like that...

“...if you regret that so much, then why are you so worried about me doing the opposite?” The replica pointed out gently. Riku was practically scolding him for rushing in, after all.

Riku looked thoughtful, realizing the contradiction but knowing he had a reason for it somewhere. “I guess… I'm just worried about Naminé winding up like me. Or what happens to Vanitas if you change your mind. Or what happens to you if he changes his.”

The replica nodded. It wasn't irrational, but it was still… “heh… you really do worry too much. You know shitty love triangles happen every day right? It's not the end of the world- though ironically I think that's a problem your more qualified to handle.”

Riku let out his own tired chuckle. “Fair enough.” And even though he was worried he was prying too much, something the other him had said made him have to ask. “...do you love him?”

The replica looked up in surprise at the question, but it didn't last. The soft smile he turned at his feet might have been answer enough, but he explained anyway. “...I think if I dropped the L-bomb on him Radiant Garden would be wind up with another Unversed problem. Honestly, the fact he knows I care so much about Naminé is probably reassuring to him- too much light still burns him. I know it's not conventional or how it's 'supposed’ to go, and… maybe I don't know him as well as I think I do, but he really seems like he can process physical affection way easier than anything else. I think for him it's easier to do things 'backwards’ like this. And he was willing to 'put up with me being sappy’, so I'm sure in time he'll get better at the rest of it… and even if he doesn't, I don't know… he's pure darkness- it bothers everyone else, but it's something I  _ like _ about him, it really… makes him beautiful, and…” the replica finally managed to say enough to embarrass himself so he trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck.

Riku smiled as the other him devolved into awkward rambling. Maybe he'd called it too early- saying something like he thought Vanitas’ darkness was beautiful was a pretty decent sign he liked Vanitas for more than the fact Vanitas liked him. “...You're right. I do worry too much.”

The replica managed a smirk. “Well I knew that.”

Riku elbowed the other him playfully and the both laughed. Riku took a bite out of his ice cream bar to help justify the small silence after. “Well… congratulations, I guess.”

“Oh, do I finally have your blessing?  _ I'm honored _ .” The replica said sarcastically. Riku snickered despite himself.

“Hey, I gotta look out for you, you're like my little brother now.” Riku argued as he reached out and ruffled the younger boy's hair. The replica batted Riku's arm away and tried not to smile as brightly as he wanted to. For some reason, admitting Riku calling him his brother gave him a case of the warm and fuzzies was way more embarrassing than anything else he'd said- or maybe he had just gotten to the point where anything too honest was embarrassing now.

“Just… try to keep it classy.” Riku teased, eyeing the replica's neck again. The younger boy rolled his eyes.

“I thought you said you were my brother not my  _ mom _ .” He complained.

“Fine, just don't come crying to me when Dilan kicks you to out for public indecency.” Riku shrugged. “...do you have condoms?” He asked less awkwardly than he thought he’d be able to manage in an effort to be the responsible big brother he had deemed himself to be.

The replica looked mortified for a second, but his face quickly turned to one of determination. “No, because Vanitas likes the feeling of cum-”

“ _ Nevermind _ !” Riku quickly cut in, covering his face with his hand. That was  _ way _ more than he needed to know. “...I admit defeat…”

The replica laughed. “Don't worry. It means when  _ you _ finally get laid  _ I _ can be there for  _ you _ .” 

“ _ How generous _ .” Riku shook his head and finally sat up again, the remnants of his blush still clinging to him. “...I guess in the meantime the best I can do is try and be sure you don't get into too much trouble.”

“Don't worry, I'll pay you back for the bail.” The replica joked, grinning as Riku shook his head again. They both laughed at the dumb joke a few seconds after, and for once everything just seemed… okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hang tight! The next chapter is almost done and will have more of that Namine screen time I promised in happy endings XD


End file.
